Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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