i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Randomize
