she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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