Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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