Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
