Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
