I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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