I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
