I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She's the barista slut.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
