if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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