dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
