so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
