I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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