Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
