whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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