Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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