Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
