Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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