if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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