so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
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Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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