We won't sleep together?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
do herpes really smell.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
