I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
