I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You pole danced in your parka.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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