have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!