Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...