Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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