ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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