I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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