The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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