while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
