Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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