I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
