I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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