Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
