I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
