I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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