so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
