I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
