what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
