Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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