YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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