did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize