I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
