You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
