I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
