I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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