she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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