If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
