so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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