hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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