sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
