Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
