i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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