I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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